I always knew I was a little complulsive about keeping things under control and in order. I didn’t know COVID-19 would turn me into a full on maniac until I ran out of wine 2 weeks into isolation.
We were freshly into a county-wide (now statewide) stay-at-home order and my employer had approximately 150,000 folks working at home including me and my co-workers. No going out, no social contact except from 6 feet (or meters depending on what you read) away. Button up, hunker down, and stay home!
We were already pretty mindful of handwashing, face touching, and periodic disinfecting frenzies. On the day I became anxious about my dwindling beer and vino stores I went to get both from Total Wine. I ordered ahead, plotting that I could get in and out with minimal contact and drove to the wine store. As soon as I was about a mile away from the house, I could feel my heart rate increasing and my breathing getting quicker and shallower. After finding a spot right in front of the store (YES!), I plotted my entrance and departure to reduce my exposure to the bare minimum necessary, opened my trunk, pulled out a Clorox wipe to have at the ready , and entered the store.
I was at defcon-4. There were other people there! A manager said “Hello”, Oh my God, I thought they could have it. Look cool, act casual, I reminded myself, internally I hope. Shit! The takeout desk was all the way across the store. Deep breath, here I go. My grand plan was to completely avoid any close contact was unraveling. I’m a goner. I made it to the takeway desk and some guy was finishing his transaction “Moooooooove“, I thought.
A clerk acknowledged me, “Bennett”, I said, feeling like George Costanza in front of the soup nazi. “Keep it brief, get your stuff and go” I thought. My clerk was then suddenly handed off a call by her coworker. Dammit! Clerk 2 slides over and now I’ve been exposed to two people. Thing 2 asked to see my driver’s license. Hah! I was ready for this, I flipped open my wallet to reveal the license behind a plastic window, waving it just far enough for her not to get too close and then, Oh crap!! She touched my wallet with her gloved index finger; no doubt the same one she probably picked her nose with just before I arrived, to locate my birthdate. Jesus, look at me already, I’m clearly old. Dammit! More contact, ruinous physical contact!!
Everythinig was in a single carton. I gathered my booty and scampered out as quickly as possible ignoring hteir offers to help me with my load. “No, I’ve got it, no worries!” All the way to my car I was thinking “This box is touching me, it’s touching my clothes, I need to decontaminate myself!” I dropped the carton in my trunk which I had cleverly left open, closed it with my elbow, got in the car and promptly took a full bath with Clorox wipes. I wiped down my arms, my hands, the door handle, the steering wheel, my driver’s license, my wallet, and any other stionary surfaces. I drew the line at tossing my shirt out the window.
All the way home I’m thinking “Stupid ass, you’re going to die all because you needed some booze.” I was going to be the guy in the news about whom everybody says upon reading why he died: “Dumbass deserved it”. An ignominious end awaited me.
I made it home, I pulled the wine bottles and beer from the trunk leaving the cursed box of infection in there to cook, wiped down every bottle, wiped down my hands and arms (again), threw my clothes in the wash as I passed from the garage to the laundry room, ran upstairs and took a shower. I vowed that I’d never go out again as long as COVID-19 was prowling the town. 3 weeks later, I am happy to report I am still alive and didn’t kill myself or my wife with my trip for Satan’s elixirs. I haven’t been to a store since this debacle.
Unfortunately, we’re awfully low on wine again… but we have it down. Now – we order in and have a quarantine area in the garage. No entry until quarantine is complete! All we have to do is plan ahead… and keep the clorox wipes handy.
Brain Particles 