Since today is Father’ s Day I can’t help myself from thinking a bit on what kind of father I have been. On the whole I think I come up a bit short. whether I am victim to popular societies vision of what a father should be or I am truly short in terms of Measuring Up, I’m not sure. I do know that I could have been a better father looking back. In general I present a stoic demeanor and rarely allow my feelings to be revealed. I don’t think this provided a great model for my children and in fact follows the example of my father who rarely showed any emotion at all actually, he took some pride in that. From the little I know his father was a stern man who was unlkely to break character.
Instead, I wish I had played more, laughed more, cried more, and expressed more. I didn’t have a great example but that’s no excuse. My father took pride in declaring that he “Did not like tonplay games” so there was very little Monopoly or games of catch that took place. Unfortunately my immediate memory of play was a game of catch where he thought it was funny to throw the ball at my head. He meant no harm, he just thought it was a funny joke. For a kid who was somewhat afraid of the ball, I didn’t think it was all that funny and I think that ended the game of catch.
My other memory is of the time my father and I were going to play golf on a weekend afternoon. We live near the golf club and could walk to the clubhouse from home. When we arrived at the course, he ran into some folks he knew and they invited him to play with them. I remember him looking at me and saying “You don’t mind do you?” being a stoic little man I of course said “No”, hoisted my bag, and walked home. What I recall about that walk are the feelings of shame at being ‘less than’ someone he wanted to spend time with, a heaping amount of anger, and disappointment all the way home.
Do we only remember the bad stuff or is my memory correct? I’m not sure but I’m damned if I can remember some good times like my wife can.
None of this is a plea for sympathy or an excuse for not being kinder and more open with my own children but it does (maybe) help me understand my shortcomings.
If I understand myself better I can find ways to improve. It may not be too late, even at 65. From this Father’s Day on I’ll try to kill the stoicism and increase the fun.
Brain Particles 