Author: Big D

Wait, we have to prove ourselves now? How did I find myself outside the bubble?I’m walking along one day listening to a long form interview with Sarah Silverman. When she’s asked about becoming a ‘success’ she says, “You have to make yourself undeniable”. I slowed for a beat because it dawns on me (Light Dawns on Marblehead), I never had to be undeniable. I just had to show up and I could reasonably expect I would get the opportunity I knew I deserved. I’ll say that again for emphasis where I felt it: “I just had to show up and I could reasonably expect I would get the opportunity I knew I deserved.” Not the opportunity I earned or strived to obtain, the one I expected. I wonder what it’s like to wonder if you’ll even get in the door; if you’ll even get to see the door. I don’t know what that’s like and have never known what that’s like. I don’t have to be undeniable, I just have to be a middle-class white guy. You know, normal.Let’s apply this to a different person: an African-American woman or an immigrant, somebody who’s not a middle-class white guy, you know, someone who’s not normal like me. I’ve come to appreciate, even if I’ll likely never be able to empathize, that wondering if you’ll even get a shot at an attempt is pretty much like starting a foot race half a mile away from the starting line.

Continue reading “Wait, now I have to be undeniable?”

I caught myself being an opinionated ass the other day. Those who know me will say, “tell me something I didn’t already know”. I ponder more and more what I say, how I say it, and why I say it. Unfortunately I am known for ‘direct talk’. That’s code for something between blunt, abrasive, arrogant, or unkind. I don’t want to be those things, I want to be honest and kind. When I’m tired or stressed about something, the kind element usually goes first, I hope I have learned at my advanced age that the honest element can’t ever be dropped although, I know in the interest of expediency or self-preservation, I’m not as honest as that guy Diogenes was seeking out then again, I’m a bit suspicious of Diogenes himself. I digress.

It seems everyone is cynical in thought, words, and deeds but most especially in thoughts and words. Hard-lines are drawn in the most benign conversations and “You’re wrong and I’m right” has supplanted “That’s an interesting point, why do you feel that way?” We aren’t curious or interested (or caring) enough to want to hear the other side of a conversation. We just want to be right, to win the point.

This opposition, the me vs. you, manifests as cynicism, belittling behaviors, and closed minds. We end up being dismissive of those with whom we disagree: “He’s a jerk” or “She’s an idiot” becomes the sum of our philosophical position. Differences of opinion are normal, they stem from so many factors I couldn’t wouldn’t try to sort that out. Why are we so surprised or offended when they become evident? It seemes pretty irrational to expect folks will all agree on just about anyhting but the residual dismissiveness and intolerance of any other POV is what is tapping on my frontal lobes these days.

We seem hopelessly divided and constantly contentious; so much so that I have noticed I am actively inactive in conversation because I don’t want to set off a war of words at worst or create an uncomnfortable silence at best. Can we figure out how to talk without hurt feelings because the next guy (or I) thinks differently from a neighbor, friend, or coworker.

I can only chat about the weather for so long. After I have run out of “Is it ever going to get cold/warm up/dry out/rain”, I usually feel reduced to making jokes or just staying silent. In the first case I sound like an idiot that may be about as intelligent as an amoeba and in the second, I probably seem disengaged or seem to be a disengaged idiot.

Name calling, derision, belittling behaviors have all become the norm. It spews into our living room via TV and into our psyche via the interwebs. People used to tell me if I crossed my eyes too often, “they’d stick that way”. Fortunately that didn’t become true, nor did the fear that swallowing a watermelon seed would grow a vine in my belly that would strangle me, or that a cat might come in the night to suck the breath out of me. BUT, some things are true, and if you do something often enough, it becomes a habit. If I repeatedly speak dismissively about someone or have reflexive disdain for any variance from my own perspective, that behavior and mindset tends to stick over time. Calcifying your outlook turns you into grumpy old s.o. b. That’s no fun for anyone nearby.

I yearn for the ability to have reasonable discussions on topics of interest but it seems everyone’s desire to be right always overwhelms any interest to hear what others think. I avoid political topics with all but the most trusted friends and relatives because I don’t want to set off a chain reaction of vitriol with a differing opinion. As an example, I don’t bring up climate change because it will prompt a lengthy discourse dismissing any chance that it is a genuine concern. I know there are skeptics but can’t we be reasonable about the subject? Seems to me if someone told me a guy was coming to kill me I’d check that out at the least.

I really do believe in my heart of hearts that maybe things would go better if everyone tried to focus on doing what’s ‘right’ (which I don’t think is as subjective as many would argue). If we focused less on making our point and more on understanding the reasons behind another’s perspective, a groundswell of civility could break out (God forbid). I’m trying to do this with a simple practice.

LISTEN for people’s underlying motivation; stop formulating talking points while folks are speaking. REFLECT on what is being said sit still with any visceral reaction you may feel make a note of it and and later, ponder why you felt that rise up. Finally, RESPECT your philosophical differences without trying to convince anyone of anything or even making a judgment call. At the least, perspectives wildly different from my own are interesting studies in human nature. BE NICE like mom used to tell you.

And what did mom say? What does my wife admonish me to do? Or, what would Fred Rogers do (WWFRD)? Be nice to others, listen so others are heard, don’t be dismissive. Stop trying to be the one who is ‘right’. People are different, it’s crazy for us to think they’ll have our perspective. I’ll call myself out for all 3 items. People who know me are well aware that I can make pretty cutting remarks, I often don’t pay attention, and it’s certainly common to hear me dismiss someone with: “they’re idiots” – In one sentence I think that last one hits the trifecta of ‘don’ts’ and simultaneously disappoints mom, my wife, and Mr. Rogers .

I’ve started to (try) to imagine saying some of the mean and dismissive things we all say (and think) straight to the face of the person in question. Sociopaths aside, I think most of us wouldn’t feel right about being outright insulting.

I’m also trying (without great success but I’m trying) to imagine WWFRD? I know I can’t live up to that standard, but I try when I remember. Fred Rogers had an amazing ability to make everyone he met feel special. There was no trick to it, there was no guile in the man; it’s pretty well established he was about as genuine as one can be. He listened. He paid attention. Mr. Rogers worked very hard to be in the moment and to seek out what made each person he met unique and special. Fred Rogers worked hard at being nice in every encounter. That didn’t make Fred a patsy, it made him the guy who is revered by just about everyone.

Moral direction comes from the example we live each day. We can’t be our best when we are bottom feeding on disrespect, insulting behaviors, and looking to make points by putting others down. Garbage in, garbage out.

Compassion, trust, mutual respect, and kindness are the habits that can make us whole again rather tear us apart from each other. We have the capacity to be awful, but we can be better than great when we put in the effort. Being the best doesn’t mean being superior to others, it means being the best we are capable of being. People do what’s important – to them. If it’s important for us to respect one another, we will make it so. If not, well…

With the above in mind, we can shape each moment into something closer to what we want it to be. If we focus on what is right and what makes sense we will lose focus on things that are detrimental to ourselves and our fellow humans. If we’re honest and respectful with each other, and if we work toward an outcome based on fulfillment of the principles found adding value then we can make this world a little bit better.

So, the next time you want to lash out with a string of derision or name-calling, stop and think: “Would I say this if they could hear me? Maybe this guy has a point I need to hear.”

Every day, I am working on being my best. Join me and encourage me when I struggle with my own advice, I’ll be better off for it.